And Now For The Rest of the Story: Is Marriage Really Obsolete?

Nearly 40% Say Marriage Is Becoming Obsolete read the USA Today headline on November 11, 2010.  The two paragraphs filled out the details.  (Click here to see the original article.)

Marriage is increasingly optional and could be on its way to obsolescence, according to a survey of more than 2,600 Americans that examines changing attitudes about relationships today.

Among the 2,691 adults surveyed by the Pew Research Center last month, 39% say marriage is becoming obsolete, up from 28% who responded to the same question posed in 1978 by Time magazine, which participated in the survey.

It was a headline that was repeated across newspapers, magazines, radio and TV for about a month.  Now for the rest of the story.

The study being reported on was done by the Pew Research Foundation and was published on November 18 under the title: The Decline of Marriage and the Rise of New Families.  Click here to see the original study directly.

Christianity Today digs deeper into the numbers and gives a surprising summary with a colorful comparison that gives us some good context: (Click here for the full article.)

According to the Pew survey, 60 percent of American adults currently living with a significant other and not yet married desire to eventually wed. Conversely, only 16% of these individuals express no interest at all in tying the knot. In fact, Pew's data shows that more want to marry today than did in 2007.

Put bluntly and more colorfully, more Americans believe the sun revolves around the earth (18 percent) than say they have absolutely no desire to ever marry (13 percent). (A much larger number of us often think both the sun and the earth revolve around us!)

When it comes to overall attitudes about family, 76 percent of the respondents indicated that their own family was "the most important element" in life, while 22 percent said it was "one of the most important elements."

So more people than ever before are thinking that marriage is becoming obsolete.  At the same time, fewer people have no desire to marry than believe the sun revolves around the earth.  What gives?

I see in these numbers exactly what I think I see in the people I interact with on a regular basis, particularly those who are under 30 years of age.  Even as people continue to deeply yearn for a healthy, life-giving relationship of intimacy that is what marriage is intended to be, they are increasingly hopeless of ever experiencing that for themselves.

There are a multitude of reasons for this.  A tidal wave of young people have grown up in families where their parent's marriage broke up.  Our media is filled with dangerous expectations of what marriage is, what it requires and how to find a lasting relationship.  I could go on, but let me focus on another one: cohabitation.

Nearly every couple from outside my congregation who comes to me to perform their marriage are already living together.  I am typically told that this was their way of "trying it out to see if this will work."  Unfortunately, what they are trying out is anything but a relationship committed to permanence. How do you "experiment with a permanent commitment" for the short-term, knowing if it "doesn't work out" either party is gone?

There is  a growing body of research to document the reality that cohabitation actually reduces the chances for a healthy, long-term marriage.  Click here to see one.  This is a study by Peter Larson and David Olson with PREPARE/ENRICH, an organization that produces outstanding materials to aid in pre-marital counseling and the like.  They studied over 35,000 premarital couples from all 50 states representing a wide range of ages and elasticities.  That is more than twenty-five times the size of the Pew Research Foundation study.

Couples rated aspects of their relationship that were used to characterized their relationship into four categories: Vitalized, Harmonious, Conventional, Conflicted.  Among couples that were dating and cohabitating 21% were "Vitalized" on this scale, while 48% rated "Conflicted."  Among couples that were engaged, but living apart 60% were "Vitalized," with only 5% "Conflicted."  Ponder that.  The difference is glaring.  

Couples considering marriage have no control over the state of their family of origin or of what is produced by our media corporations.  They can make their own choice about whether to cohabitate or not.  And that decision will have dramatic influence on the chances of having a healthy marriage of their own for years to come.

I am not looking to condemn those who have chosen to cohabitate.  There are many pressures and reasons that people make that choice.  I  know that grace has a power to heal and redirect our lives in powerful ways because I have seen it do that in many lives.  There is hope for all of us in the challenges we face from the decisions we have made.   But as one who cares deeply for people and is privileged to share life with people through the best and worst of times, I do want to say clearly, that if you are interested in increasing your chances of living in a healthy marriage, choosing to not cohabitate is one step that is both practical and effective, even if difficult and unexpected in our times.  The research shows it.

There is more that you can do though.  I have found that two steps can have a significant positive impact on helping you experience the marriage that so many yearn for.

• Take a good Pre-Marriage Awareness Inventory - like the one developed by PREPARE/ENRICH - and sit down with a person trained to work through the results with you.
• Spend time with an older couple - one married for 20 years for instance - to specifically talk with them and listen to what they have learned in getting to where they are.  Plan to do this at least six different times with them over several months.

Honest assessment and mentoring are two practical things that churches can do to equip people with a greater hope of attaining what they deeply desire - a fulfilling marriage - but are becoming increasingly discouraged about actually experiencing.