Marriage: A Contract To Aid In One Another’s Sanctification

This past Sunday I quoted Dr Richard Lovelace regarding the idea that for Christ-followers, marriage served as an important "school for sanctification."  Here is the longer quotation from his book, Renewal as a Way of Life

Growth in sanctification should be a lifelong series of alterations in our lives through such crises of conviction.  One of the functions of God’s law (biblical moral principles which declare God’s will for our behavior) is to measure our lives and locate places where they need changing.  “The Law” come to us again and again, not only in the pages of Scripture, but also in the warnings or protests of people close to us who can see our failing, however much they may be in the dark about their own.  Parents, teachers, the police and other authorities are all personalized forms of the law.

A husband or wife also functions in this same way, serving God as an agent of our sanctification.  He or she can see the patterns of sin which are hidden from our own vision by spiritual darkness, and from the world because it sees only the surface of our lives.  Most divorces among Christians probably occur because the parties have not realized that marriage is a contract to aid in one another’s sanctification.  Without this realization, we become experts at what is wrong with one another, without recognizing that the information our spouse is giving us about ourselves is an essential aid to our spiritual growth.

The Gospel, Identity and Questions of Sexuality

With regard to sexuality and marriage questions, the “message” for my LGBT friends and neighbors is identical to the “message” I have for everyone, including myself.  Whether straight or gay, married or single, old or young, the Gospel sets you free from seeking your core identity in your sexual preferences or performance.  That message impacts different people in different ways, but it means that Jesus offers all of us a new identity – the identity of “in Christ.” This identity then becomes the life-giving source to all other aspects of my life.  “I am not my own, but belong – body and soul, in life and in death – to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ.”  Those opening words to the Heidelberg Catechism state it well.

Marriage Inequality – A Problem Caused By Redefining Marriage

How do you ensure that an airplane and an elephant have equal rights?

Huh?!?!??

Answer: You don’t.  An airplane and an elephant are different in so many ways that talking about equality between them is pointless.  The two are simply different, not unequal.

It is absurd to talk about equality between an airplane and an elephant until you first get rid of the difference.

Which is why I say that “Marriage Inequality” is a problem that is caused by redefining marriage.  The romantic union of two men is as different from a marriage of a man and woman as an airplane is different from an elephant.  The two relationships are not unequal.  They are different.  At least until you redefine them in a way that erases or obscures the difference.

Let’s Be Honest, Please! You Meant “Marriage Redefinition” When You Said “Marriage Equality” But Didn’t Have What It Takes To Say What You Mean!

My wife is a great cook, but my son and I still remember the day she tried to slip one by us.  “Enjoy the mashed potatoes!” she said.  They looked a little watery, but who’s to complain we thought.  On bite and there was no hiding it though.  What can you say about cauliflower “disguised” and passed off as mashed potatoes.  Sure, it was an experiment, and she wanted to help us eat more vegetables, and cauliflower is good for you and on and on and on.  It didn’t work.

Her “cauliflower mashed potatoes” came to mind listening to all the people “evolve” and now support “marriage equality.”  Give me a break.  Cauliflower mashed potatoes are not about “vegetable equality.”  They’re about redefining food and trying to slip one by unnoticed, just like “marriage equality” is really no more than “redefining marriage” without owning up to it.

How Marriage Can Shape Our Lives . . . For the Better

 I've been reading Tim Keller's latest book The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God with some friends and finding it full of insight, challenge and encouragement.  I've been a pastor long enough to see marriages fail in a way that left people deeply damaged and with great pain.  I've observed other marriages where people find great grace and transformation - even with no small share of pain as well.  I'm thankful to be living in the second of those.

Keller's picture of marriage - a deep spiritual friendship where each partner becomes an instrument of God's grace, challenge and transformation in the life of the other - has been the most inspiring insight for me.  Here's an excerpt that shows what that sort of marriage would look in the lives of two real people.

All his life, Rob had few friends. One reason for this was that since childhood, Rob had a real problem putting himself into the shoes of others. He had little or no empathy and often was surprised at people’s negative reactions to his words or deeds. When he was in fourth grade, a school counselor told his parents that he thought Rob was a “mild sociopath,” someone who often trampled on the feelings of others because he couldn’t sympathetically imagine what they were feeling. This character flaw had created problems for Rob for years, but he couldn’t see it for what it was. Few of his acquaintances ripened into friendships, and in his first jobs he regularly made missteps that infuriated both superiors and those reporting to him. He lost one job over it.

 Then he met Jessica, and by the second date they both were deep into the in-love experience. She thought he was a brilliant conversationalist, and he was, and he loved the fact that she was an assertive kind of woman who didn’t easily get her feelings hurt. Several times, his sense of humor strayed into the realm of the hurtful and the insulting. This was a problem that he had had all his life, but unlike so many others, Jessica just told him off and put him in his place. He liked that! Finally a woman who wasn’t a shrinking violet.

And so they married, but as the months went by, Rob’s insensitive humor and semi-abusive remarks got worse. When we are in love, we are on our best behavior, but at home and with someone becoming more and more familiar, our natural instincts take over. We no longer catch ourselves. Soon the full extent of Rob’s problem character was there for Jessica to see in all its ugly detail. Jessica began to see how he spoke to other people, and most of them were not as resilient and thick skinned as she was. She realized the kind of relational problems that he was going to have all his life. She became deeply disillusioned with him, and, just a year after their wedding, she found herself fantasizing about being single again and free from him.

 When Rob realized the depth of her unhappiness, he became alarmed, and together they sought counseling from the pastor of their church. That began a long journey. After many weeks of meetings with their pastoral counselor, they had their first breakthrough. One evening, both Rob and Jessica began to see that she had been brought into Rob’s life for this very purpose. She was a strong woman who was not fragile. She was exactly the person who could stand toe-to-toe with Rob and say, “That hurt me. I’m going to tell you exactly how it felt until you learn what your words do to people. I’m not going to clam up on you and just withdraw, and I’m not going to attack you back. I’m going to be like Jesus has been with us—accepting us in love but not allowing us to just destroy ourselves with sin.”

Rob had never had anyone love him like this. People had either just given up and withdrawn from him or had simply attacked him. Here was someone who calmly but candidly described the devastating effect of his words. And most transforming of all was the fact that the person who was telling him about his hurtfulness was the person he loved most in the world. The more Jessica loved him so nobly and well, the less he wanted to see her hurt. And so, slowly but surely, Rob began to listen, learn, and change.

Jessica herself came to see that she also had a need for radical change. “I had a fiercely independent spirit that made it hard for me to depend on anyone,” she said. “If anyone let me down, I simply dropped them. I was completely impatient with them.” When she saw the depths of Rob’s problems, she wanted to flee as she always had, but her marriage vow wouldn’t allow her to do that. For the first time in her life, she couldn’t run from a damaged person.

Three years after their wedding, Rob’s parents hardly recognized him. He was more thoughtful and empathetic than they ever thought he could be. Jessica’s parents noticed a gentleness and a graciousness toward weakness that they hadn’t seen in her before. Marriage’s “power of truth” had done its work.

Keller, Timothy (2011-11-01). The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (pp. 133-135). Penguin Group. Kindle Edition.

Choices and Consequences

You can make you own choice, but you are not able to choose the consequences of that choice.  Realize that in any choice you make, you are also choosing the consequences that come with it, both the known and the unknown.

I’ve seen this connection between choices and consequences in my own life, and helped others see the connection when I can.  It came to mind while reading an updated edition of a book I have reviewed here before: Hurt 2.0 by Dr. Chap Clark.  Click here for previous review.

Clark has the background and research to lay out in stark relief the sense of abandonment, confusion and pain that characterizes the lives of our adolescents in the United States today. I can’t help but think though that their pain, is in large part a consequence of the choices made by the culture of adults.  Clark paints a picture of the “modern family” that we have chosen: