Testing For Marriage? Or For Divorce?

I suspect all of us have family, friends or co-workers who are living together with the intent of one day getting married.  All of those that I listen to tell me that they approach this arrangement as a “test marriage” – a way to see if they have what it takes to make a lifelong commitment.  As it turns out, research is piling up evidence that co-habitating is more like a “test divorce.”  It is an arrangement that sets in play patterns of relationship and behavior that dramatically reduce the probability of being married for ten years into the future.

Jared Wilson is a favorite Gospel blogger of mine.  His recent post entitled “10 Things Young Singles in Romantic Relationship Ought to Know” is right on target. 

Given the pressures out there, it would be helpful for a wide variety of people – middle school and above in age. Here’s a taste:

1. It’s not bad to want to have sex with your significant other. It’d be another sort of worry if you didn’t. The key is to want to glorify Christ more than you want to have sex with each other.

2. The key to glorifying Christ more than you want to have sex with each other is that it is a decision to be made over and over again.

3. Persons in a dating or courting relationship are on their best behavior. So however they are now, you can expect, over time, for them to get “worse.” As familiarity grows, people let their guards down. Marriage does not fix bad behavior; it often gives it freer reign. Ladies, this means if your boyfriend is controlling, suspicious, verbally condescending or manipulative, he will get worse, not better the longer your relationship goes on. Whatever you are making excuses for or overlooking now, will get harder to ignore and more prominent the longer your relationship goes on. You can’t fix him, and marriage won’t straighten him out.

Click Here to read the entire post.

Another article worth reading is an interview of Michael McManus, author of Living Together: Myths, Risks and Answers and founder of an organization called MarriageSavers.  A journalist by trade, McManus now pursues the work of MarriageSavers full-time. 

Click Here to read that article.

McManus has a number of research tested recommendations for practical steps that people can take to increase the prospects of experiencing a fulfilling and life-long marriage.  These include:

• Separating and/or renewing abstinence for 3 months prior to the wedding.
• Six months with a married couple mentor.
• Work through the PREPARE/ENRICH marriage awareness inventory.
• Attend an Engagement Encounter weekend.

These are steps and resources that have been implemented in churches that I have led in 3 different states for over 20 years.  I’ve seen the wisdom and benefit over time in the lives of real people.  If you are considering marriage, are currently involved in a cohabitating relationship, would like to know more so you can speak to a family member or friend, or just want to have some conversation over coffee, feel free to contact me by email, and we can arrange a time and place.