Grace and Prayer for the Gores

Let me be honest: I am not and never have been a supporter of the politics, policies or perspectives of Al Gore.  I voted against him every chance I had, and would do it again without reservation.

That said, I am still saddened by the recent announcement of the separation of Al and Tipper Gore.  Forty years of marriage. Four kids.  Best of times and worst of times, usually lived the brutal glare of the public spotlight.  That's a lot of life and relationship, so I am saddened to see it come to a season of stepping away.  Not only am I saddened, but I've been praying for them regularly.  And praying for the other marriages in my circle of relationships - including my own.  It is a tough world out there if it can bring the Gores to this moment.

I am hoping there is hope though.  And it is because they are separated, not divorced.  Here's what I am hoping and praying for.


I am hoping that they will use this time of separation as an opportunity to face their issues, whatever those are. I don't need to know or speculate on what those issues may be.  Unless they invite me into their lives, which I don't suspect will happen anytime soon, it's just none of my business.  Still, I can pray.

Here's how I see it:  I know that every marriage between humans has its challenges.  One of those challenges is that each party brings their own unique set of hurts to the table.  Some of those hurts may precede the marriage - a dysfunctional family of origin, childhood trauma, an addiction, or any of a multitude of other wounds.  Some of those hurts may have happened during the marriage.  They coulc be from external circumstances - like loosing a close, national election - or even from the behaviors of the other partner.  There are many, many, many ways for people to be wounded, and then we are left carrying those wounds into our marriage.

Under ideal circumstances, I believe that marriage - the intimate union of a man and woman that reflects the relationship of Jesus and the church - can be a great setting for the healing of these wounds.  To know another and be known.  To give and receive grace from another.  This can be an extension of the rescue that Jesus offers to all people.

But it doesn't always work out like that.  Sometimes, the intimacy of real marriage only aggravates the wounds.  What could be a tender touch of encouragement becomes, or at least feels like, daggers ripping the heart.

Separation could be the opportunity to step back from the pain of that intimacy, and to pursue healing and restoration that makes renewed intimacy possible and life-giving once again. 

I'm not talking about separation to "get some time apart" or to see "what happens"  or to check out other options.  I'm talking about time apart to work on issues of the heart.

Like taking time away from the normal patterns of life to go through chemotherapy.  When there is a diagnosis of cancer, one can live in denial and let the cancer bring it's slow and painful death.  Or one can face the rigors of treatments like chemotherapy in pursuit of the restoration of life.

Or when someone hears the diagnosis of cancer, they could just shoot themselves.  To carry on the analogy, too often in our culture, when we first see the symptoms of "marriage cancer," people are tempted to administer a quick "marriage euthanasia" in hopes of avoiding chemotherapy.  I'm talking about divorce. 

As a pastor and a person, I'm aware of the pain that many experience in the intimacy of marriage.  I am on the side of seeing that pain healed.  But I have growing concern about how quickly many people simply bring the marriage to an end and move on.  I understand the desire to end the pain, and even start over.  I even understand that sometimes, a divorce is the only real option.  But, I fear that all too often, we simply shoot the marriage and then bring the cancer to a new relationship, only to face a whole new round of heartache.

There may be benefit for a marriage to a season of separation where the partners actively pursue healing of the personal issues that make intimacy so painful.  This is where the Gospel of grace can change a heart.  A good counselor, therapist or grace-oriented spiritual director can be of great help and insight.  An honest mentor and supportive small group can be part of the recovery team.  I'm hoping this is what Al and Tipper will have in the days ahead.  (Click here for an excellent article that tells this very story.  It can happen.)

I hope their separation is not some slow, calculated publicity maneuver on the way to a divorce.  I hope they are not separated and passive, waiting to see "what happens."  I hope they are undergoing marriage chemotherapy or radiation or whatever brings healing.  I'm praying that they find good counsel and healing of the heart, so that they can come back together with real reconciliation and renewed intimacy.

This means too, that I hope they don't find some well-intentioned, self-righteous pastor who gives them "five new behaviors to heal their relationship."  My experience, and the Bible, tell me that the woundedness is usually much deeper.  Even new behaviors on top of the same wounded heart will eventually wear thin.

Like David, I'm praying "Create in me - and Al and Tipper and whoever is reading this post - a pure heart, O God."  (Psalm 51:10)